


A Long Time Ago, In a Deadpool Far Far Away

by automatic_badgirl



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: But Deadpool at Starkiller base y'all!, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Funny, Gen, I am very tired and silly, Somebody gets called Daddy, what is this I don't even know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 17:06:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19114048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/automatic_badgirl/pseuds/automatic_badgirl
Summary: General Hux needs bounty hunters. The Merc with the Mouth applies for the job. Wackiness ensues





	A Long Time Ago, In a Deadpool Far Far Away

“Attention on deck!”

General Hux marched down the corridor at the heart of Starkiller Base accompanied by a brace of Stormtroopers. The sight never failed to inspire him. The gleaming walls stretching into the distance, surrounding the massive beating heart of the thermal oscillator. The First Order had managed to conquer the very engines that drove the sun itself. They would be triumphant. Now for the reason he had come. He surveyed the collection of bounty hunters waiting to receive orders from him. A disreputable lot, he thought to himself. Scum of the galaxy that one day the First Order would eradicate, but they had their uses, for now.

He gazed at the assembled hunters. They were a mishmash of alien races and there were even a few droids. They would be able to more easily infiltrate the backwater places the Resistance would likely be hiding. But they were nothing like the orderly ranks of Stormtroopers he commanded. He stood in front of them with his hands neatly behind his back to address them.

“I have Galactic Credits available to any one of you that can bring me any information about where the Resistance is currently located. I expect you to be ruthless and thorough, kill if you must.  Any questions?

“Ooo! Ooo! Me!” a voice piped up.

Hux frowned looking for the disruption.

“Hi, yeah, over here Evil Ron Weasley...I have one.” A hand shot out from the mass of bounty hunters. They moved aside in surprise. A hooded figure in red was waving his arm overhead.

Hux was baffled, they usually never asked questions. “You-you do?”

“Yeah.” The red-suited man walked over and gazed down into the depths of Starkiller base and the glowing misty core. “That’s a _*heck*_ of a drop. Have you ever thought about putting up some railings--just a little one--like right there.” He pointed.  “I mean it seems like an OSHA violation waiting to happen. Am I right? Up top big guy!” He held up his hand for a high five to a huge horned Devaronian alien, “No? Don’t leave me hanging…”

“I--what?” Hux was astonished, this wretch was daring to critique the First Order in the seat of their power. “Just who do you think you are?”

“Ooh sorry I forgot this.” He reached into a pouch and pulled out a ‘Hi my name is nametag’ and wrote on it in crayon. Then he stuck it on his chest. “The name is Deadpool.” He added, “I see you reading this, and yeah I know _Family Guy_ did the railings bit already, get off my dick.”

Hux looked around baffled, “Who are you talking to?”

“Huh? Oh the readers,” Deadpool strolled up to Hux,  “Anyway.Think about the railings GingerHitler, because it would totally suck if one of those Stormtroopers over there were to fall over and short out the Flux Capacitor or whatever the fuck you guys call it and blow up the whole base, I mean talk about _irony..."_

“What?” The Stormtroopers looked at other baffled.

“Like this.” Deadpool ran and jumpkicked one in them in the chest. The trooper fell over into the abyss with a fading scream. Deadpool leaned over to watch him go, “Oh my god, he hit the side and flipped like the guy from Titanic!” He shook his head fondly, “Remember him, the guy who hit the propellor...great movie. A classic.” He sighed happily.

“Shoot him!” Hux screamed as he pointed at Deadpool.

The white eyes in the red mask widened as he rubbed his hands together. “Finally!  Alexa, play Killing Badguys Sexy Mix, vol 3.” as he drew a pair of swords from his back. The Stormtroopers and the bounty hunters scattered as A-Ha started playing “ _Take On Me”_.

Hux ducked and scrambled to the side, pressing an alarm as he did so. “Where is the music coming from? Why is it playing?” he screamed.

“Because we’re just about to have our first big action scene!” Deadpool answered, charging at the troopers and the bounty hunters, “Time for Maximum effort!” he said excitedly.

The alarm whooped and shrilled as upbeat synth riffs played over the sounds of blaster fire and screams.  Deadpool leaped and sliced the head off of a Mandalorian, rolling to impale a large bipedal lizard-like alien. A huge multi-armed grey alien snarled, slicing Deadpool across the chest with wicked talons. Blood flew in a spray. “Son-of-biscuit-making bitch! Fucking ow!” Sheathing his katanas, Deadpool grabbed a blaster and shot the alien point blank in the face. “Bad Kitty.” He followed up with a throat punch to another Stormtrooper and donkey-kicked him into a console that exploded in a shower as sparks. “Fuck this Buck Rogers Ray-Gun shit.” He threw the blaster at the head of another bounty hunter. He stood and pulled his sidearms and killed the remaining troopers and bounty-hunters in a hail of bullets, the casings tinkling to the floor.

The doors slid open, revealing a group of more Stormtroopers, headed by a towering one in silver armour. Hux waved frantically at the red-suited man pointing a gun at him, “Phasma, get him, kill him!” He then ducked and dropped behind a bank of control units.

Phasma unslung a laser-axe and snapped it on with a crackling hum. “Rebel scum!” she snarled.

“Ooo shiny,” Deadpool grabbed his swords again. “You wouldn’t happen to be single, cuz I know a big metal Russian dude who needs a girlfriend.”

“”Silence, you jabbering fool.” Phasma swung the axe in a vicious arc.

Deadpool dodged and flipped, throwing a katana as he did, it whipped through the air and struck Phasma on the helmet, shattering the faceplate and staggering her to knees. Deadpool leapt upon her shoulders and wrenched at her helmet, “Alright Scooby-gang, let’s see who you really are.”

A furious blonde woman glared up at him. “Holy shit! I loved you in Game of Thrones!” He punched the back of her neck and knocked her out, “But that Jaime, what a fuckboy, am I right?”

The remaining troopers retreated behind the blast doors.

“Cowards.” shrieked Hux.

“Hey! Who’s the one piddling like a naughty puppy on the floor, you shit-weasel?” Deadpool hunkered down to look at Hux who was pressed under a console. “You gonna make me drag you outta there, c’mon man. Have a little dignity.”

As he was reaching for him he was suddenly yanked up and held dangling; suspended in mid air by an invisible hand.

“Kylo!” Hux gasped and scuttered out from the console trying to restore his injured pride. Kylo Ren had his hand stretched out using the Force to restrain the attacker, in his other hand he had a lit red lightsaber that hummed ominously with power.

Deadpool flailed and kicked, struggling to speak. “So pretty. That...hair….just a bit harder...Daddy...I’m almost there…” he panted.

Disgusted, Kylo dropped him and he thumped to the deck.

Deadpool rolled over wheezing and snickering, “Now this could be the lack of oxygen talking but you are one gothy-ass looking Space Bitch. Where did you get the outfit, Severus Snape, Hot Topic?”

“Silence!” Kylo Ren thundered. He stalked closer and glowered at Deadpool. He raised his hand again and tried to use the Force to read his mind. “Tell me, Who do you work for? The Resistance?” Kylo’s brows creased as he concentrated to no avail. “No matter, I can make you talk, one way or another.” He raised the lightsaber and Deadpool raised his own sword, looking from one to the other, comparing.

“I can’t help but think you might be overcompensating for something. No luck with the ladies, I’m guessing.” Deadpool motioned to Kylo’s uniform, “I can’t imagine why, you’ve got this whole brooding loner vibe working for you.”

Kylo swung furiously and the saber sizzled and crackled through the air. Deadpool countered with his katana and the lightsaber sliced it in half. The katana blade clanged to the floor.

“What the shit!? So much for the lifetime guarantee! Those fuckers at the Sharper Image catalogue lied to me!”

He flung the handle of the sword and cracked Kylo in the forehead. He staggered back and Deadpool grabbed his lightsaber, “Yoink!”

Enraged Kylo Force threw him into a wall. As he slid down, Deadpool groaned and wheezed.

“Oh muffin. So angry…” He rolled over and wobbled to his feet, limping towards Kylo arms outstretched, “Who hurt you...who hurt you, you glorious Space Prince. C’mon, let’s hug it out.”

“I will kill you.” Kylo raised his hand and summoned his lightsaber to his hand again. Just then a jangling electronic tone shrilled. Deadpool held up a finger, “One sec, I gotta take this.” He pulled out a mobile phone.

“Hey, what’s up--.” He covered the phone and whispered to Kylo, “work thing, won’t be a second….Motherfucker! Thanos is back? Really?...Yeah...yeah…”

Deadpool mimed a chattering hand to Kylo and rolled his eyes. “Just let me finish up here and I’ll head on back. Ok. See you soon…” He hung up the phone. “Man, work is a bitch right now, I’m totally slammed. As fun as this has been boys, sadly, I must take my leave.”

“You aren’t going anywhere.” Hux sputtered and pointed to Kylo. “What are you waiting for? Strike him down.”

Kylo lunged forward and stabbed the saber into the gut of the man standing in front of him. Deadpool looked down.

“Shitfuck! That’s a whole new kind of pain, a ‘it burns down there and not in the good way’ level of hurt.” Startled Kylo pulled out the lightsaber. The hole started to close immediately as Hux and Kylo watched in disbelief.

“No wonder the girls don’t like you, you just can’t go ramming your sword into things. Consent, learn it.” He leaned over to Kylo and whispered, “Although, I’m sensing some Big Dick Energy between us, so if you’re looking to impale something on a flaming rod, give me a call.” He made a kissy noise and pointed to Hux, “You, you pasty ferret, you can watch…Meanwhile, here’s a lovely parting gift.

Deadpool pulled out two grenades and pulled the pins, tossing them over his shoulders. Kylo Ren and General Hux heard the grenades bounce once, then twice, they looked at each other and dove for cover. As the explosion blew out the windows in the corridor Deadpool leapt gracefully through the shattered glass to the flight deck below.

“Imagine how sick this scene looks in slow-mo, readers.”

***

Ellie Phimister, a.k.a Negasonic Teenage Warhead, was lounging by the pool, scrolling her Insta, as her girlfriend Yuiko swam laps. It was a beautiful summer day in Westchester New York. The sky was blue and free of clouds, so the black plume of smoke barreling through the sky towards the house caught her attention.  She raised her sunglasses and squinted.

“Is that--?”

A metallic shriek filled the air as an out of control Tie Fighter spun end over end, trailing smoke and sparks, to finally slam into the lawn and grind to a shuddering halt, spraying dirt and rocks everywhere. Yukio climbed out of the pool and towelled off, drawn by the commotion.

A hatch on the top clanged open and Deadpool shakily climbed out and stumble-slid down the craft to land on the ground. He looked up and waved.

“Hi, Yukio!”

“Hi, Wade.” Yukio sang cheerily. Ellie frowned at the Tie Fighter embedded in the back lawn.

“Isn’t that, like, from Star Wars?”

Deadpool patted the side of the crashed fighter, “Yep. Nearly mint condition too. I think I’m going to put it on Ebay. Ya think George Lucas has an account?”

“Whatever. Colossus is going to be pissed when he sees what you’ve done to his garden.” Ellie slid her glasses down again and went back to her phone.

“Oh his garden is fine.” Deadpool looked around at the massive rent in the pristine lawn. The hulk of the Tie Fighter ticked and groaned as it cooled. A large panel fell off with a crash and Deadpool winced. “That’ll...that’s going to buff right out.” He pointed at a clump of dirt, “He overwatered those tomatoes anyway.” He started towards the house. “Anyhoo, I’m hungry, saving the galaxy does make one peckish. Time for a chimichanga!”

“Bye, Wade!”

“Bye, Yukio!”

He ducked inside just as he heard a loud disbelieving yelp and a string of Russian curse words, followed by, “Waaaaaaaade!” as Colossus discovered his ruined garden.

Deadpool paused. "Might be time to go visit Spidey. Ooo! New franchise opportunity." He looked over his shoulder, "Fourth-wall breaking endcredits scene streak maintained. Now go out there and have fun, you naughty, fic-reading muppets.”

FIN   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please don't sue me, Disney. No harm intended. Just a bit of silliness as I reach the end of a busy school year.


End file.
